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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22913602">the unpayable debt (that i owed you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinoakentwig/pseuds/Thorinoakentwig'>Thorinoakentwig</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Voltron: Legendary Defender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Season/Series 06, Sharing a Bed, Sickfic, Team as Family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:41:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,217</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22913602</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinoakentwig/pseuds/Thorinoakentwig</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Later even though Shiro never looked away he’ll never really be able to describe what happened. He’s not sure if it just happened too quickly or if he blocked it out.</p><p>One minute Keith is standing, water dripping off his hair, laughing as carefree as Shiro’s ever heard him as he splashes at the wolf and at that moment the light catches just right and it makes his breath catch in his throat at how beautiful he looks.</p><p>In the next he sways once and then falls, the water erupting into furious ripples.</p><p>Or Recovering from the ordeal of coming back to life, Shiro gets his chance to save Keith when he falls victim to a terrible poison.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Keith/Shiro (Voltron)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Sheithlentines 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the unpayable debt (that i owed you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/UrsaeMinoris/gifts">UrsaeMinoris</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I hope you like it! Your list had a lot of really great stuff and I tried to include as much as I  could. </p><p>Primary items were: hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, mutual pining.  Secondary items were: cuddling, team as family, mission fic, canon verse. </p><p>This is set early season 7 while the paladins are traveling to earth. </p><p>Title is from Kettering by the Antlers, which is a very Sheith song in my opinion :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been close to two weeks since Shiro woke up from the transfer, from waking up with the realization that he’d died and somehow Keith had saved him. </p><p>Again.</p><p>Two weeks in and everything still feels painful. His skin is achingly sensitive as are his senses and most days end with him curling up on the small cot in the back of the Black Lion with a pounding headache. </p><p>It reminds him of when he first started showing symptoms when his disease went from a possibility to a certainty. </p><p>Allura swears he’s completely healthy but the familiarity of it all makes Shiro more uncomfortable than anything else. </p><p>Like everything else in his life, it’s easier with Keith. He’s there but he doesn’t hover or act overbearing, he keeps Shiro company but he lets him have space when the world starts to turn overwhelming. Most of the time he doesn’t even have to say anything, Keith can just glance over at him and ask if he’s okay. It’s comforting the thought of someone knowing him so well, of Keith knowing him so well without words.</p><p>At night they sleep curled up on the bed with the wolf squished in at their feet and Shiro is struck by how incredibly grateful he is. Stuck as a shade in Black for so long and he never thought he’d even see Keith again, much less touch him.</p><p>It’s humbling and awe-inspiring and overwhelming and a million other indescribable feelings wrapped into one so Shiro tries not to think about it too much tries not to linger on how things between them at some unknown point have become permanently changed. </p><p>There’s little else he can focus on though with the silence of space save for Keith’s quiet breathing next to his ear.</p><p>Shiro wakes up to the sound of murmuring. Next to him, Keith’s side of the bed is cold and he wonders how late he’s slept in today. Right now it seems like all he can do is sleep.</p><p>The wolf huffs happily at him as he steps into view of the cockpit and stops briefly to scratch behind an ear. In front, the paladins converse on-screen voices rising as they playfully bicker.</p><p>“—storm, I think we should keep going,” Pidge argues.</p><p>Allura frowns at her. “And if one of the lions gets caught up in it then it could drain the energy core and we’d be stuck out here. It’s too risky.”</p><p>“We’re already falling behind, we need to make up for it.”</p><p>“It’s going to take us over a year to get to Earth, somehow I don’t think a day or two will make much of a difference.” Hunk points out.</p><p>The arguing continues for a moment before Keith cuts in asking how long the ion storm should last, the likelihood of it affecting the lions.</p><p>“I know you want to go home Pidge but we need to play it safe right now. We can’t afford to be hasty.” Keith says patiently, sympathetically. </p><p>He pauses for a moment and Shiro notices him biting at his lip, the way he does when he’s thinking hard about his next move. </p><p>“Let’s do a survey of the closest planets nearby and we’ll figure out what to do next.” </p><p>The others, even Pidge agrees and the connection cuts out. </p><p>“You’re good at this,” Shiro says and barely contains his grin when Keith startles, jumping slightly in his chair. </p><p>Keith turns and smiles, a flush on his face. “Hey, you sleep well?” The wolf pads over and sits at his feet. </p><p>He shrugs, “As well as can be.” If Keith doesn’t want to respond to him then Shiro’s not going to push it.</p><p>He wasn’t lying though. It’s amazing seeing Keith settled into leading Voltron. He had his memories from his time in Black and as the clone but they’re disjointed, more like pieces of a dream than reality. </p><p>It’s good to see he was right. He knew he would be but Keith hadn’t believed it, hadn’t wanted to maybe. Now he’s calmer, no less patient or intense but perhaps more focused. </p><p>Keith lets out a quick little laugh. “Yeah, that cots not the greatest.”</p><p>“In twenty years it’ll show up in my nightmares,” Shiro says thinking of the too firm but somehow lumpy mattress. </p><p>His smile turns softer. “There’s an ion storm heading straight toward us so we’re gonna be planetside for a day or two.”</p><p>“Probably for the best,” Shiro says agreeably. Somehow he doubts there’s going to be any Yalmors or magical elements nearby.</p><p>They fade into a comfortable silence as they wait to hear back from the others. It’s easy just coexisting in the same space as Keith, they don’t need to fill the void with meaningless chatter and Shiro appreciates it even more now especially when he’s so tired all the time. </p><p>Keith looks over at him, a strange look on his face like he wants to say something but isn’t sure how. It’s startlingly just because he’s never seen Keith hesitate. </p><p>“Keith—”</p><p>A beep from Black’s controls startles them as Allura’s voice fills the cockpit as she lets them know that Coran and Krolia think they know of a suitable planet to wait out the storm.</p><p>It’s a small planet called Kessel that was once used by the Blades as a stopover but hasn’t been visited recently. With breathable air and food that’s edible for everyone, it’s their best bet before the storm hits.</p><p>Kessel’s sky is a bright pink with blue spiral clouds that are broken apart with tall mountains running green and Keith grins at him as he stares with wide eyes. Even this long in space after everything that’s happened, he's always reminded of why he wanted to become a pilot so badly. </p><p>The blue grass against Shiro’s legs feels softer than back home, though he can’t pinpoint if that’s due to how sensitive his new body is or if it’s actually softer.</p><p>The wolf seems to enjoy it, rolling back and forth against it as Keith laughs at him. Pidge and Hunk start testing to see what’s edible as the rest of them relax. </p><p>Without really meaning to Shiro slips away, following the sound of a stream just on the other side of the hill. The water too is different, black as the night’s sky. The edge of the stream is bracketed by tall dark green reeds that remind Shiro of bamboo and by smaller brambles of purple star-shaped flowers. He goes towards the edge of the stream, water brushing over his boots. Around him the world is quiet and for a moment it’s peaceful before it starts to become oppressive.</p><p>In the astral plane, it was nothing but silence. Shiro could scream and scream and never make a sound.</p><p>“Shiro?”  The wolf teleports in front of him, jumping in front of the stream as Keith and Hunk come down the hill. He can’t help but laugh as the wolf shakes out his fur, little water droplets hitting him.</p><p>“You okay?” Keith calls, brow furrowed. </p><p>“Sorry, I just got a bit distracted.” He says with a small smile. Is his heart racing? Can they tell?</p><p>Hunk gives him a smile back. “You probably shouldn’t wander too far until we know what’s around here.”</p><p>It’s not meant to be overbearing and Shiro knows that but part of him can’t help but grimace. Without his arm and his Bayard, the others have become somewhat overprotective and it can be kind of grating.</p><p>Except for Keith, but Keith’s known him for so long that he knows Shiro can’t stand that kind of hovering for too long. </p><p>Still, he gets it, he was dead or not dead for so long that they’re just worried. All he can do is hope they’ll realize he can still take care of himself and things will go back to normal sooner rather than later.</p><p>“I will.” He says and tries to ignore how relieved Hunk seems. </p><p>The wolf splashes around again and barks excitedly at them as he crouches down.</p><p>Keith laughs, “You wanna play bud?” The wolf barks again, tail swishing back and forth even faster as he steps into the water.</p><p>Later even though Shiro never looked away he’ll never really be able to describe what happened. He’s not sure if it just happened too quickly or if he blocked it out.</p><p>One minute Keith is standing, water dripping off his hair, laughing as carefree as Shiro’s ever heard him as he splashes at the wolf and at that moment the light catches just right and it makes his breath catch in his throat at how beautiful he looks.</p><p>In the next he sways once and then falls, the water erupting into furious ripples.</p><p>“Keith!” By the time Hunk turns to look at him Shiro is already at his side, pulling as much of him as he can out of the water.</p><p>Keith’s chest rises and falls steadily but his eyes are scrunched tight as if grimacing. Carefully Shiro feels around his head but he can’t find a bump or a cut, no reason for falling.</p><p>“What happened?” Hunk’s voice is frantic next to his ear and the wolf starts whining in concern as well but he can barely hear it over the sound of his own panic.</p><p>“I don’t know. He just fell over.” Shiro scrambles around, pulling off one of his gloves but his pulse doesn’t even flutter—just continues beating on steadily without a care in the world. “I don’t know what’s wrong.”</p><p>He can feel Hunk staring at him but Shiro can’t bring himself to look away from Keith. At last Hunk shakes his head and then stands.</p><p>“Let’s get him back to the others. Maybe Allura or Coran will know what’s wrong?”</p><p>Shiro tries to adjust Keith in his grip but he’s still not used to just the one arm and he wobbles almost falling into the water himself.</p><p>Hunk’s arm presses gently against his. A comforting presence at his side. “ Shiro, I’ve got him, it's okay.” His first response was a childish one to not let go but he squashes that immediately. </p><p>Keith needs help. That’s what’s important now. </p><p>Lance is the first to notice them and his dismayed cry quickly catches the attention of the others. Krolia is there in an instant, demanding answers, calling Keith’s name.</p><p>“He just fell over,” Shiro says numbly. </p><p>Black is almost cramped with all of them piled inside but no one makes a move to leave. Sitting on the bunk Keith looks impossibly small and still. It’s hard to believe he took up so much room last night. </p><p>He’s never seen him so silent. </p><p>Allura runs scan after scan growing more worried and frustrated as they come back clear. </p><p>“Did Mullet just decide to take a nap?” Lance jokes but it’s half-hearted at best and even he can’t completely contain his concern.</p><p>Krolia looks away from her son and pauses for a moment, staring at him with a puzzled expression. </p><p>The wolf lets out a quiet whine against his leg and Shiro realizes that he stopped petting him and hurriedly reassumes the motion. </p><p>“You said you were by the river when he fell?” Krolia’s voice breaks the fragile silence and he nods. “Did you see anything down there? Any creatures?”</p><p>“No, it was just us unless Keith like stepped on an angry alien fish.” Hunk says and then pauses, “Do they uh, have angry alien fish on this planet?”</p><p>She ignores him. “What about plants?”</p><p>Shiro stares at her confused. “There were some reeds and some flowers by the shore—what does this have to do with Keith?”</p><p>“Were they purple? The flowers?” Allura and Coran both freeze and he sees them furiously whispering.</p><p>“Yes, purple with long petals,” Shiro says and he swears Krolia ages a year in an instant, her face ashen.</p><p>“Is it like an allergy?” Romelle asks hesitantly. </p><p>“More like poison.” Allura murmurs distractedly, “Are they even meant to be in season now?”</p><p>“Poison?!” Shiro’s not sure who says it only knows it can’t possibly be him because his throat feels like there’s a block of ice sitting in the middle of it. </p><p>Coran sits with his arms crossed and a troubled look on his face. “It’s called the Ruranzon flower Keith must have brushed up against one and triggered its defense mechanism.”</p><p>“Which is poison,” Pidge says flatly.</p><p>“Not exactly—the victim goes into a deep sleep until the spores run out their system.”</p><p>“So what’s the big deal?” Lance says with a shrug. “He just takes a nap for a day or two? He could probably use one.”</p><p>Allura shakes her head, a twisted expression on her face. “Many of the victims never regain consciousness after the poison is gone.”</p><p>“What do we do then? How do we help him?” Shiro’s not sure what his voice sounds like to make everyone look at him for so long but he resolutely keeps his eyes on Keith, as if he’ll disappear the second Shiro looks away.</p><p>“If we can find some Elmar berries it should cancel out the flower,” Krolia says quietly. “They’re hard to find and they grow only on the highest peaks of the mountains here.”</p><p>Shiro stands, “Let’s go then.”</p><p>A small, gentle hand touches his arm. “Shiro—are you sure you’re up for that? You’ve only just started to recover.” Allura’s expression is kind but not patronizing.</p><p>Still, the idea of being left behind stings more than just his pride. How many times has Keith saved him? And now when it’s his turn he can’t repay the favor. </p><p>He looks around to concerned and hesitant faces. He doesn’t think they’d say no, especially not the paladins but that doesn’t mean it’s the right idea.</p><p>“Someone needs to stay with Keith, he won’t be able to protect himself.” Romelle points out. </p><p>He sighs, “Right. I’ll stay with Keith. The rest of you find those berries as quickly as you can.”</p><p>The team breaks into action as Coran starts discussing possible problems and ways to get to the mountain ranges quickly.   While they work Shiro settles against the wall next to Keith’s bed and the wolf gracefully jumps up to lie next to him.</p><p>Gradually he feels a presence standing above him and he looks up to see almost familiar but not quite eyes staring down at him. “I know it can’t be easy but thank you for watching over my son.” </p><p>“He’d do the same for me—has done the same for me what seems like a million times over.” He scrubs a hand over his face suddenly feeling drained. </p><p>“Still.” She insists and it’s strange seeing that quiet but fierce intensity on someone else’s face. Keith has never been like anyone else and it’s surprising seeing how much of him is reflected in his mother. He wonders if Keith’s proud of that if he’s happy at the connection when he’s been separated for so long. </p><p>“Come back soon,” Shiro says finally and it doesn’t feel like enough but Krolia nods at him all the same.</p><p>It’s still light enough outside that the others waste no time in leaving. The Lion is weirdly, alienly silent and it makes him uncomfortable. </p><p>He’s not sure how long it takes him to notice the change only that one second it’s quiet and the next a strange shuffling sound. Shiro looks up just as the wolf lets out an unhappy whine. On the bed Keith tosses and turns again, his brow furrowed and an uncomfortable set to his face.</p><p>“Keith?” It’s easy enough to recognize a nightmare when he’s had them so often but he’s unsure what to do if he can’t wake him up.</p><p>He stands frozen for a long moment and then another until a quiet unfamiliar sound—a whimper echoes through the room.</p><p>Keith’s hand is pale and cold when he grips it but some of the pain on his face fades away. “Hey buddy, it’s going to be ok,” Shiro says quietly, trying to sound as calm as he can force himself to be. “ I’m here.”</p><p>Talking seems to help though he doubts Keith can hear him in the throws of such a sleep but maybe subconsciously Keith knows he’s there, knows he’s not alone and so Shiro talks about whatever pops into his head, his frantic heart steadily returning to normal as Keith stills with one last muttered little “no.”</p><p>“Do you remember that time we took the hoverbikes out after hours and I crashed because I almost hit a rabbit.” That was years ago, a lifetime maybe, but despite everything thinking of it makes him smile and he’s sure he could get Keith to smile too. “We thought my arm was broken and you were angry—at me and at the rabbit and it was so ridiculous but it was so cute at the same time. You accidentally told Matt and he kept sending me bunny pictures for a week straight.”</p><p>It goes like this for a while—-stories of them at the garrison, stories of when Shiro lived in Japan, even stories of before Keith found him again. Throughout it all, he keeps hoping that those violet eyes will peek open, that a wry voice will speak up and still there’s nothing again but silence and the Black Lion.</p><p>“I miss you,” Shiro admits at last when he’s run out of things to say. From outside the last bit of fading light peeks in and his throat feels hoarse. “I know that’s dumb since you’re right here but it’s true. I’ve missed you for a long time.”</p><p>The cheerful beep of a communicator fills the air and Shiro reluctantly lets go of Keith’s hand. “Can you watch him please?” He asks and the wolf’s tail thumps once as he huddles closer to his owner.</p><p>“Shiro?” Allura says worriedly. “Are you there?”</p><p>“Yeah, sorry I was with Keith.” In the background, he can hear what sounds like Pidge and Lance bickering though it’s not loud enough to catch what about.</p><p>“How is he?” The background sound pauses for a second as if the others are trying to listen in before picking back up.</p><p>Shiro sighs, “He’s hanging in there. How’s the search?” He’s never seen Keith like that before—vulnerable and afraid—and somehow he doubts he’d be happy if he told the others about it.</p><p>She hums quietly in response. “We just reached some of the higher peaks when night fell. With any luck, we’ll be back by lunch tomorrow and Keith will be walking around by dinner time.”</p><p>“Good.” Without intending to he’s found himself in Black’s cockpit and Shiro hesitantly sits down. It’s hard being in here most of the time though perhaps not why Keith thinks but right now he’s so worn out that any wary rests under the surface.</p><p>“And what about you? How are you doing?”</p><p>Shiro debates on his answer for a moment. “I’ll be better once he’s okay.” It’s not much but it’s still more painfully vulnerable then he’s used to sharing.</p><p>“I’m sure we all will,” Allura says kindly. “Get some rest.” </p><p>The world is purple and nothing at the same time. Everywhere around him, above him stars shine wrongly. Too bright to be real. </p><p>He turns and there’s nothing. No weight to the ground, no air touching his face. No sound.</p><p>Only a world of nothing but him.</p><p>No—no no no no. </p><p>Not again. </p><p>He can’t be back here again.</p><p>He runs and runs, screaming for Keith, for the paladins, even Black but no one answers. He yells until it feels like his throat will give it out but it never does.</p><p>In this world, Shiro is the only constant and nothing else is real. Eventually, he’ll become nothing too, will fade away like he did before Keith saved him until there’s nothing left. </p><p>Amidst the stars and a ground that his feet never touch he hears someone calling a name—calling his name.</p><p>“I found you.” The voice says protectively, warmly. “I’ll always find you.”</p><p>Shiro gasps awake to find himself lying on the cold metal of Black’s floor. His pulse beats a dull roar in his ears and the iron taste of blood lingers in his mouth.</p><p>“Goddamn it.” It’s been days since the last nightmare and he had actually stupidly thought they were going away.  </p><p>He slowly pulls himself up, rubbing at his new split lip. Shiro lingers in the glow of the cockpit for a moment and then heads back to Keith.</p><p>At first, Keith looks much the same as before, eerily still and tense, but the stillness breaks as what looks like another fit starts. </p><p>It’s worse this time. God, he didn’t think it could be worse but it is.</p><p>Keith screams like Shiro’s never heard him, so full of anguish and out of nowhere that it startles both Shiro and the wolf. It doesn’t even sound human too raw and high to be anything close to normal.</p><p>Shiro’s at his side in an instant but calling his name doesn’t help this time. He tries to grab his hand to provide some small bit of comfort but they’re curled up like claws into the blanket, tearing them to shreds. When the blankets are ripped he starts digging into his own skin and it takes all Shiro’s strength to stop him. The wolf tries to help as he whines and licks his face, his arm, anywhere he can reach.</p><p>Keith screams and screams until his voice goes hoarse and Shiro can’t do a fucking thing about it.</p><p>From being captured to dying to being trapped in the astral plane and this is the single most horrifying moment of his life.</p><p>As suddenly as it starts it stops. Keith freezes again before returning to that unnatural stillness as if nothing had ever happened save for the torn sheets and bloody marks on his palms. </p><p>Shiro stares at him wide-eyed and then scrambles for his communicator. </p><p>Coran and Krolia are both at a loss for words. Hesitantly guessing that it might be some progression of the poison as it travels further through his system.</p><p>It’s not exactly the news Shiro wanted to hear and he can’t help the disheartened look on his face.</p><p>“Shiro?” Hunk says quietly. The others aside from the paladins have gone back to sleep if reluctantly so, he’s sure if Krolia could teleport here she would.</p><p>He sighs heavily. “You guys didn’t hear him. It wasn’t just a nightmare—it didn’t sound like just a nightmare.”</p><p>“What are you thinking?” Allura’s patient and understanding voice filters through the quiet room as he tries to gather his thoughts. </p><p>“I don’t know exactly. Something just feels off.” He’s seen nightmares. He’s even seen a few of Keith’s and it’s never been like that, always quiet and stillness until he wakes up with a gasp.</p><p> That had been animalistic pure panic, unlike anything he’s seen outside of the arena.</p><p>The pure adrenaline based urge to stay alive.</p><p>“Sunrise should be in five hours or so. As soon as it is we’ll be looking.” Pidge says as reassuring as she can. </p><p>Lance hums in agreement. “We’ll fix him, Shiro. You guys just need to hold on a little longer.” </p><p>Shiro breathes out once—slow and steady like it’ll calm the frustration building inside him.</p><p>Patience may yield focus but it’s hard to remember that when he feels so helpless. </p><p>Still, there’s no one he trusts more than the paladins save for the man asleep in the room next door.</p><p>“We’ll be fine here. I know you guys will be back soon.”</p><p>“As soon as we can be,” Allura confirms confidently before the connection cuts out and the Black Lion is left to the silence of the night.</p><p>It’s maybe another hour before the screaming starts again. It lasts even longer this time as Shiro tries his best to calm Keith and stop him from hurting himself at the same time. By the end of it he’s exhausted and sweating like he ran a mile and a pounding ache is starting to build up in his head.</p><p>After that it’s like the waves have reached some kind of crescendo and rapidly start happening sooner, lasting longer each time as they do. At the same time, it seems harder for him or the wolf to get through to Keith as if he’s become less aware of the outside world.</p><p>Throughout it all, the ache in Shiro’s head continues to grow as he finds himself more and more worn out. By the most recent wave, it’s hard for Shiro to do much more than weakly hold onto Keith’s hand, hoping desperately that this time he’ll find a strong grip reaching back. </p><p>Desperate and afraid he pleads for something, for anything to charge. For someway for Keith to be better because he’s not sure how much more either of them can bear of this.</p><p>The pounding in his head spikes as if answering him and it grows. From something manageable but uncomfortable into an undeniable and impossible to ignore roar. For a second Shiro’s vision darkens as spots dance before his eyes. The room flickers once and then fades into a familiar nothingness.</p><p>Stars shine too brightly in front of him but this time he’s met not with a feeling of panic but comfort like the embrace of a well-missed friend. </p><p>It’s hard to explain even to yourself what feeling the Black Lion in your head is like. Larger than life but not overbearing, comforting but more alien and more than you, more than anyone person could be. It’s always reminded Shiro of the rush of adrenaline he gets when he flies or when he’s seeing the stars.</p><p>It’s hard to not feel surprised. Ever since he came back there hasn’t even been a whisper of Black’s presence and he’d thought maybe crossing back from the astral plane had severed whatever bond they had. </p><p>Surprised and relieved. </p><p>“Can you help him?” Shiro asks into the void.</p><p>Her presence flares brighter for a moment and then dims.</p><p>A no then. He can feel her frustration and sorrow and knows that if she could then Keith would be already awake.</p><p>Shiro pauses and then tentatively, “Can I help him?”</p><p>Brighter again—stars shining around them like the galaxy’s best nebula—and Shiro would fade away to a shadow if it meant helping Keith.</p><p>Black’s presence is all-consuming like a stream meeting up with a river and Shiro lets himself slip into the current as the world falls away.</p><p>The world is dark and disjointed—snatches of voices, of colors, and thoughts echo around him but are gone before he can focus on them. The feel of warm desert air against his face, a man’s low drawling voice, the hum of an old lullaby, the smell of smoke. It’s like looking into a broken mirror and Shiro struggles to find his footing.</p><p>A guiding force, like an arm grabbing him from falling, draws his attention to a spot ahead of him.</p><p>Here. Black’s presence nudges him, here is where he’s meant to go. Meant to help.</p><p>Shiro steps through and the kaleidoscope world falls away to the familiar sight of what looks like a galaxy garrison apartment. It takes him a second to realize it’s not just any room but his own. He’d put some of his more valuable things in storage before Kerberos so it looks slightly alien.</p><p>He’s just stepped forward to look at some long-forgotten knickknack—a hippo keychain from when he and Keith had gone to the zoo one summer—when the door slams open.</p><p>Keith, devastatingly young, stares at him. No, Shiro amends as the past version of his friend storms into the room, stares through him.</p><p>He strides into the room, scrapped up bruised knuckles wearing an orange cadet uniform and Shiro racks his brain for what this could be. If there’s a nightmare here, a reason for Keith to scream so painfully then Shiro can’t see it yet. </p><p>Wait.</p><p>Shiro looks around the room again noticing the tread of dust covering his furniture, the stale musty scent to the area and feels his heart stop. </p><p>Kerberos. </p><p>“You promised you’d come back,” Keith says accusingly as if to confirm his thoughts. His voice stutters, almost cracking. </p><p>He remembers the day of the launch. Keith smiling at him as they waited for the final preparations to be cleared.</p><p>“By the time you get back, I’ll have broken all your records, old timer.” Keith had said teasingly but something about it seemed off, half-hearted at best and Shiro had been struck by a strange protective urge. </p><p>“I’ll be back before you know it.” Shiro had said as he’d given him one last hug, quiet enough that no one could hear them or notice the way Keith had frozen in place. “I promise.”</p><p>Keith had never doubted Shiro’s skill as a pilot or cared about his illness. His worry was born of an entirely different beast. One made of a lifetime shuffling from home to home, of waiting for the next person to ruffle his hair and leave him behind without ever looking back.  </p><p>The hands around his back tightened once before letting go. “I’ll be waiting,” Keith said and the nervous edge had disappeared from his smile and been replaced with something that looked a bit like wonder.</p><p>The Keith in Shiro’s room might as well be a different person entirely for all that only six months separate them. </p><p>“Why didn’t you come back?” Keith asks and his grief slips into something else altogether the farther he gets into the room. Anger has always been a more comfortable emotion for him to handle and Shiro’s always known that, has always been able to read the boy beneath the snappy remarks and quick temper but he’s never seen him like this.   </p><p>It starts with the picture on the mantle. A smiling group photo of Shiro, Keith, and Matt on a beach. Keith looks at it, looks at them, and throws it to the ground where it shatters. The next to go is some books from the library Shiro had forgotten to return, then a decorative vase Adam had left behind when he moved out and never bothered to pick up.   </p><p>It spirals and spirals as the room becomes a mess of shattered glass and broken things before Shiro can’t bear it any longer and he reaches out trying to stop Keith, trying to comfort him.  </p><p>His hand slips through him like air, like trying to touch a shadow but Keith stills, chest heaving and eyes wide as just as suddenly he collapses to the ground.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” He says tired and small and Shiro can’t help but fall too, desperately trying to touch him. “I’m sorry Shiro, I’m sorry. Please just come back.” His voice hitches and his shoulders shake as he buries his face against his knees. </p><p>If the Keith of nighttime burned like a Star then the Keith of the daylight is as cold and impassive as an interstellar ice field, not acknowledging the stares sent his way or the whispers that follow him. </p><p>Shiro follows him too but it feels just like when he was first trapped in the Black Lion and too weak to do much more than exist.</p><p>Every touch, every word falls on deaf ears and Shiro can only trail weakly after Keith and hope he’ll reach him soon.</p><p>Maybe if he does it’ll wake both of them up from this nightmare. </p><p>Keith buries himself in his classes with a ferocity that would be surprising if not scary coming from anyone else. He spends hours on end training in the gym and practicing flight sims he’s already mastered. </p><p>Time moves strangely for Shiro agonizingly slow one minute and too quick the next but this tenuous equilibrium shatters what might be only days or weeks later.</p><p>He’s just finished his latest exercise in the gym. It’s been a particularly brutal and strenuous one that makes Shiro wish he could speak to Keith if only to remind him to grab an ice pack.</p><p>A group of cadets walk in and their chattering dies down as they catch wind of Keith. The leader is someone Shiro vaguely recalls as Jones or Jackson, an arrogant wannabe pilot a year ahead of Keith who’d never liked him much. He wanders closer to Keith, ostensibly getting ready for his work out.</p><p>Shiro doesn’t catch what he says at first, the sound too low for his ears but it seems like Keith’s heard it just fine from the way he stiffens and then whirls around to face the other cadet.</p><p>“What’d you just say?” It’s the first time Keith’s talked in days and his voice is rough from disuse.</p><p>Jones or Jackson smirks, “I said I guess Shiro proves sim scores don’t mean shit.”</p><p>Keith’s hands ball up into fists and it reminds Shiro of the way he’d clawed himself bloody in the real world. “Take it back.” </p><p>His friends look suddenly concerned but Jackson goes on ahead talking, showing no care for how tense Keith looks. “Shiro fucked up because he couldn’t handle—”</p><p>Keith’s fists connect to his face with an audible ominous crack and he’s on him before any sees him move.  One of Jackson’s friends tries to pull him off while the other runs out of the room but it’s no match for Keith’s fury, his grief.</p><p>Throughout it all, from an instructor pulling him off the boy to the long walk to Iverson’s office to the final dismissal, Keith never says a single word.</p><p>In the desert Shiro tries to reach Keith more often, spending nearly every moment calling his name or trying to touch his arm. Nothing changes but he’s uncomfortable at the realization of seeing Keith’s grief with no way to escape. Even in the real world, they’d spoken very little of what happened to either of them after Kerberos and for all he can’t control it he feels like he’s trespassing on something intensely private.</p><p>It makes Shiro angry in a way he can’t explain but more than anything he feels helpless.</p><p>It’s hard to focus on things in this place outside of Keith, the world going fuzzy when he tries too hard to wander farther away or tries to speak to someone else so it takes him some time to realize that he’s going to be seeing himself very soon. The trip back to earth had been hard to make sense of but he’d been aware enough to remember the date. Seeing Keith and knowing he was safe for the first time in nearly a year was unforgettable.</p><p>The idea of seeing himself freshly broken by the arena makes him nervous and he fills his time trying even harder to reach out to the world. It had taken months as a shade in Black and it’s time he can’t afford to waste now.</p><p>Arrival day comes with a strange sort of energy though Keith spends it as he does most days—sitting in his shack, staring out into the desert. He’s pale and slightly gaunt now, forgetting meals more often than he remembers them.</p><p>It’s not until sunrise the next day that Shiro realizes the true horror of this dream. </p><p>This isn’t just a recollection of Kerberos which is painful in itself for both of them. No, Shiro realizes with a sense of dread as Keith dutifully continues going through the motions of living, this is a world where he never came back.</p><p>A world where they were both lost and alone forever.</p><p>Hopelessness curls tight into his chest and Shiro can’t sleep like this but feels himself falling into a similar haze as the world greys away. Weeks, months are lost to despair and he can only bear witness to his friend’s suffering. </p><p>Every day he hopes for a change, hopes to see that precious often unseen smile and still he’s left with nothing but more of the same.</p><p>The anniversary of the crash is on the horizon and that seems to be the only thing to throw Keith out of his routine. He sleeps less (not at all) and eats barely anything (eats nothing.) One week from the day and he simply stops getting out of bed, spending his days staring at the ruined walls of the shack. </p><p>Even this far into the desert Shiro can hear sounds from the garrison, from the nearby town. A voice that sounds like Admiral Sanda formally talking about the crash, about what a grave loss their deaths were.</p><p>“Please,” Keith whispers, his hands clinging tightly to the ratty pillow pressed against his head. “Make it stop.”</p><p>Shiro falls in front of him, wishing he could feel the impact of the wood hitting his knees. </p><p>“Please,” Shiro repeats just as broken as he reaches out to once again grab Keith’s hand.</p><p>His hand, the only one he has left, finally makes contact and the last thing Shiro sees before the world shatters are shocked violet eyes staring at him. </p><p>Keith’s startled cry echoes in his ears as colors too fantastical to be real swirl around him, threatening to swallow him whole. </p><p>“—My life would be a lot different if I hadn’t met you—”</p><p>“—Your friend desperately wants to see you right now—”</p><p>“—How many times are you going to have to save me before this is over—”</p><p>“—I know we can fix this! Let me help you—”</p><p>Then the world reveals itself to the grey haze of space as Shiro gets to relive the worst moment of his life.</p><p>He’s had constant nightmares of their fight, of the clone, nearly killing Keith and it’s easily the one memory from the clone he wishes he hadn’t kept. Keith’s pleading eyes, his cruel taunts, the swing of their blades connecting all rattle around in his head.</p><p>Keith fights the clone trying desperately to convince him to give up and Shiro can only follow helplessly along. </p><p>At first, Shiro thinks it’s a memory and not a nightmare. The fight starts out the same with Keith finding the test tubes, the laser destroying the majority of the base.</p><p>It’s not until towards the end that he realizes anything different.</p><p>The clone swings and an exhausted Keith blocks.  </p><p>“Shiro, please.”  He says struggling to keep their blades from sliding. Some small part of Shiro, the real Shiro, wants to tell him to give up. That neither of them are worth this.</p><p>Then the script changes.</p><p>“I love you,” Keith says just as fiercely but Shiro’s still stuck on what’s missing. No mention of brothers this time around.</p><p>The clone says something cruel back and Keith sword swings out at the same moment the moon shudders, throwing everything off-kilter.</p><p>In the real world, Keith’s aim had been true. He’d cut off Shiro’s arm and severed the connection to Haggar but here things take a different turn. </p><p>“No!” Keith roars as the hit goes wide and lands not on the clone’s arm but his chest. It’s solid, anything intended for Galran metal and Druid magic has to be. The clone’s eyes widen and he quietly gasps out Keith’s name before they start to dull.</p><p>“No no no Shiro.” Keith throws his blade to the ground as he struggles to hold the clone, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. “Shiro stay with me please.”</p><p>The clone doesn’t reply and Keith chokes back a sob, shoulders shaking heavily as he clutches at him even harder. </p><p>He’s never heard him cry before and now he’s experienced it twice over.</p><p>Shiro’s stunned and finds himself moving closer without being fully aware of it. He still feels weak and flimsy, not quite fully there but he can’t stand by and do nothing.</p><p>Not when it’s Keith. </p><p>He moves and reaches out a hand trying as hard as he can to focus on his connection to the Black Lion, to his feelings for Keith. He’s never wanted something more in his life than just to be able to reach out and comfort him.</p><p>“Keith.” Keith looks up, red-rimmed eyes widening.</p><p>“Shiro?” He says but even before he confirms anything he’s already embracing him. Around them, the dream world starts to slowly drift away leaving only a soothing purple presence.</p><p>Shiro’s hand tightens around him automatically and he’s helpless to do anything but breathe in the smell of his hair and try to memorize the feeling of Keith in his arms.</p><p>Keith’s crying quiets down and he pulls back slightly to peer up at him. He scrubs a hand over his face. “You’re the real Shiro aren’t you? You’re not a dream?”</p><p>He smiles at him. “As real as you. I came to try to help you.”</p><p>“How?” Keith’s brow has that adorable wrinkle he gets when he’s trying to solve a puzzle and Shiro laughs softly unable to stop himself from pulling Keith into a hug again.</p><p>Keith returns it easily, patiently waiting as Shiro struggles with what to say.  </p><p>“It was the Black Lion. I guess there must have been enough of a connection between us however small remaining to get me here.” He says nodding out slightly to the new scene around them.</p><p>Above them, stars shine too brightly and he can hear Keith’s slight intake of breath like the air got punched out of him.</p><p>“Shiro,” Keith says quietly but he shakes his head and he stops. His eyes are a storm of emotions most unreadable but the one he recognizes easily is guilt.</p><p>“It’s fine, everything’s worked out.” Shiro pauses for a moment. “I’d do it again if it meant being able to help you.”</p><p>Keith opens his mouth and then pauses, with some of the softness from his face slipping away. “How do we get out of here?” Somehow Shiro thinks that’s not what he was going to say but now's not the time to press him.</p><p>“It’s your dream I think if you try to wake up it should end it for both of us.” </p><p>“Is it dumb if I say I’m kind of scared?” Keith admits, voice hushed.</p><p> At some unnoticeable point, they’ve started holding hands and Shiro can’t stop himself from giving a gentle squeeze. “Of course not. I promise I’ll be there the second you wake up.”</p><p>Keith stares at him and Shiro sees the exact moment his fear slips away and that familiar determination takes over as he gives a quick nod and squares his shoulders like he’s ready to take on the world instead of just waking up.</p><p>“See you on the other side, old timer.”  Keith’s hand squeezes his one last time and in an instant Shiro finds the world slipping away. It doesn’t cause him to panic this time and he lets himself fall into it with the knowledge that Keith would never put him in danger.</p><p>Shiro slowly wakes to the feeling of a hand running soothingly through his hair and the sound of hushed voices somewhere in the distance.</p><p>Awareness is a molasses-slow process and it takes him a few moments to recognize the touch as Keith’s when he does Shiro can’t stop himself from leaning into it before begrudgingly opening his eyes.</p><p>Keith smiles down at him, the hand in his hair stilling for a second before continuing. Shiro can’t help but look him over trying to catch some sign of the distress he’d been in earlier but finding nothing.</p><p>“You’re okay?” He asks quietly and the smile grows just that bit wider. </p><p>“Completely fine. The others came back with the berries about two hours ago.” Keith pauses and Shiro recognizes the playful spark in his eye before he even opens his mouth. “Though they were pretty panicked finding you completely unconscious on my bed.”</p><p>Shiro groans thinking of how much hovering he’s going to endure but Keith cheerfully continues on. “I told them you must have stayed up all night watching me and you’d be fine with just some rest. They seemed pretty convinced so I think you’re safe.”  </p><p>Keith looks down at him and the expression is a mix of fondness and expectant. </p><p>He knows what he’s waiting for maybe a sincere thanks or a snarky quip in return but that’s not what happens.</p><p>Shiro’s always been good at compartmentalizing his feelings. It’s the only way he’d been able to deal with first the frustrations of his illness and then the brutalities of the arena. </p><p>It’s the only reason why Shiro can think of not realizing his feelings until this exact moment, staring at Keith with a cheesy grin on his face after they’ve saved each other for the millionth time. </p><p>It’s less of a surprise and more of an ‘oh that’s right.’ It’s the way Shiro had felt his first time in a flight sim, the way he’d felt when the Black Lion chose him and it could never be surprising that it’s happening with Keith. </p><p>Shiro thinks about the last day carefully, pondering over everything from his own atypical panic to Keith’s nightmares. He thinks for a moment and accepts his feelings and then sits up.</p><p>Keith stumbles a little from the suddenness of it but recovers quickly, staring at Shiro with a puzzled expression on his face that makes him smile.</p><p>“Hey, I love you,” Shiro says as earnestly as he can be. There’s probably a thousand more dramatic or emotional ways to say it but that’s not them, that’s not the point.</p><p>Keith grins at him, a blush that’s barely noticeable in the dark gracing his face. “I love you too.”  </p><p>It’s said sweetly and for a moment Shiro is reminded of their fight, of how easily and desperately Keith had said it. </p><p>It’d be easy to take the out. </p><p>Keith’s his best friend and always will be and that friendship could never be less than. His most important person and Shiro could keep his feelings hidden and nothing would ever have to change.    </p><p>The thing is though that Keith makes him feel brave, makes him want to be brave.</p><p>“No,” Shiro says laughing softly, wondering if his voice sounds as awe-filled to Keith as it does in his own ears. “I’m in love with you.”</p><p>Keith stares at him for a moment and then, “I’m in love with you too.” It’s said just as easily, just as honestly back and Shiro feels a warmth start to grow in his chest.</p><p>“Yeah?” He asks unable to help himself, a ridiculous smile on his face. He reaches out towards Keith’s hand and that’s just as right, just as good.</p><p>Keith laughs at him. “Yes, for a while now.” He confirms and he’s smiling too. It’s different from all his other smiles, one so happy and carefree that not even Shiro’s seen before but it’s so beautiful, so precious that he wants to see it as much as he can. </p><p>It’s Keith that initiates the kiss with a gentleness Shiro’s not expecting but finds endearing anyway. In stories, the kiss is always the culmination of everything with loud heartfelt welling music but this feels the way everything does with Keith.</p><p>Easy, normal, just them the way they’re meant to be. </p><p>Shiro regrettably pulls away first when the need for air wins and he opens his eyes to see what a kiss flushed Keith looks like and finds he likes it.</p><p>Keith smiles again, “Good?” </p><p>“I couldn’t be anything else when I’m with you,” Shiro says without thinking and it’s horribly sappy and revealing but it’s almost worth it seeing Keith’s face grow even redder. </p><p>It does become worth it when it ends with Keith kissing him again.</p><p>“Thank you,” Keith says, the words whisper soft against his lips. “Even before you were in my dream, I think I could hear you.”</p><p>“I didn’t know what else to do but talk,” Shiro admits just as quietly back. It feels like talking any louder would ruin it somehow. “I didn’t know if it was helping but I had to do something.”</p><p>Keith is silent for a moment and then pulls away slightly, staring at him with solemn eyes. “Trust me, it helped. I don’t...I don’t know what would have happened if you’d left me alone. I don’t know if I could have beaten it.” He looks down but before he does Shiro can catch a glimpse of something that looks like frustration.</p><p>Shiro’s hand comes up before he can help himself, cupping his cheek gently. “You could have,” he says it seriously, voice iron clad like it use to be when he was the team leader. “I know it.”</p><p>The flush on Keith’s face reappears but he says nothing against it so Shiro counts it as a victory. </p><p>Later they’ll join up with the team, their team and endure their jokes and hovering but for now, this moment is just for them and Shiro can’t bring himself to stop, not when he finally has Keith in his arm, not when he can feel his smile against his lips and know that for the first time in a long time the both of them are loved wholly and completely.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tumblr: <a>Thorinoakentwig</a><br/>Twitter: <a>Thorinoakentwig</a></p><p>feel free to follow me!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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